How do you express something when you know you can't fully say it?

I'm hurting so bad and the person I thought who could be there for me no matter what seems to be inconsiderate and insensitive.  What kind of a person is that?  Who's only good to his friends and just leave me alone?  Now I know what kind of person he is now.  It's disappointing and frustrating!  I don't want to go with the details and I think I've said enough.

Ms. Scattered Brain

For the past few days, I've been thinking about what I would really like to do.  There are just a lot of things that are going in my head that I just don't know where to put my heart and effort in to.

Maybe growing up as a "scattered brain" has got a lot to do with who I am now. Honestly, I don't finish things. I am passionate but it eventually dies down when everything becomes a routine. I have a lot of things that I wanna try and do but I doubt myself if I'd be successful. When I love doing something, I put my heart and soul in to it and pretty much it goes well.  But I haven't tried doing something "permanently". Everything just seem to be short term.

I want to be in fashion. Maybe learn fashion design and retail.
Get in to another business.
Work and meet people.
Get back to school.

See? And I need action.
I'm slowly building up my confidence, the one that I had since my Fashion Facile days.  The retail therapy that I've been doing for the past few days did help me feel better about myself.  I was actually thinking that I would not look good anymore in any kind of outfit, but I proved myself wrong.  Thanks to the many plus size models and bloggers out there who are just like me, finding acceptance and place in the world.

I know clothing shouldn't be the basis of confidence or self-esteem, but it did help me look at myself better.  But the clothes I wear wouldn't be any good if I don't know how to carry them.  It takes a lot of guts to be comfortable in my own skin knowing that people are there to criticize everything I do.  It is still unusual for most people (especially here in the Philippines) to see someone like me rocking a dress that skinny girls do.  Stares like "you don't have any right to be in any outfit" mostly happen to me, but I try my best to shrug it off and prove them wrong.  I get both positive and negative reactions, I don't intend to horrify things, but I want to be beautiful too.  But I don't wear everything.  I tend to mask my flaws and accentuate what's better.

Sometimes I wanna be a plus size model or maybe start again with my fashion blog, but I don't have any resources of a good semi/pro camera, photographer or even the skills in photo editing.

I think what's good now is that I'm feeling better.  That's the most important thing.

Sad Not Entirely

I've been in hiatus again even on my new movie blog.  I was actually hoping that if I blog about the things I love doing the most, I'd get my creative juices back.  I've noticed, for the past years I've been on and off blogging, I'm just not inspired with everything that is going on.  I find it difficult to have that enough amount of push lately.  It feels like the amount of passion before, died.  Sorry for being so emotional... and I've always been an emotional writer.  But yeah.  Things suck right now.

I've mentioned a while back that I've been exercising for months and now went to a full stop.   Honestly, I got bored at the last fitness gym and going back to the old one would cost me double than the latter gym I've been to.  I want to go back at my old trusty gym, but can't seem to sort out my finances as of the moment.
OR MAYBE I'm just finding an excuse to skip the gym.  Okay.  Both my finances and inspiration are low right now.

And because I left the gym in full stop, I am now left with lazy afternoons.  I feel so F'in bored, depressed, that I eat, surf, sleep my way through days.  I don't know what's wrong why I feel so down for the couple of months now... and it's getting worse.

The only thing I enjoy lately is being with my parents, talking with my boyfriend at night, and watch a movie out.  I need to figure things out right away!  Or I might swim the ocean and turn into a whale.