Mushy Me!

So when was the last time I felt so mushy? Well in my previous relationships, I did but not like how I feel for the past few weeks. I just don't know why, but I feel different, better, happy, and satisfied, despite of the longing that's been going on. Love songs are much better to listen to, but I'm still picky in watching love stories. And now, I'm blogging about it... which means, it MEANS something. I just feel right.

This song is one of my favorites. The lyrics just struck it right... but now, I'm letting all the pain go, and starting all over again. Let me just say that I'm ready now than I have ever been before. 

Oh, what's the matter baby?
Is the truth too hard to hear
Well, I think you know I'm not the one who lied
And now it's all behind us
And we both play out our lives
But the years don't change the way I feel inside

So we play the game out
Though it feels the same now
Are you missin' me?

Well now, baby just be aware
Of how much I still care
Ohhhh, I need your love

I gave to you
My heart and soul
Now I just need
To let you know
You're part of me
That I just can't let go (go, go)
Go (go, go)

I used to hear this a lot on the radio on it's original version. Urgh! It was so painful listening to this song back then. But I guess, the wounds have healed.

Spilling Beans

I think it's time to spill the beans. I can't say that I'm quite experienced or knowledgeable about relationships, but I won't make it a reason or an excuse as to why I made such hurtful mistakes to some people who became a special part of me. 

I'm now in a relationship with someone I met back in 2009. It was such a colorful memory even when it only lasted for a while. I never really got the chance to be with him back in the day because we were both living separate lives with someone else. I ended our communication because it was really unfair to my boyfriend that time. Then after two years, I met another guy whom I thought would share the same views with me in so many different things. A relationship ended and another one started. Which my parents and even friends are not in favor of. I still insisted to move on to that relationship, but I feel like as time goes by, there are just hindrances that I don't understand. One big hindrance is that the guy I met in 2009 came back, and I said yes. I didn't expect that he would still come back for me. My feelings were actually stronger than I thought... so I grabbed this opportunity to be with that person. 

It may seem like I change my relationships that fast. I never expected that I'd do that because I'm the type of person who seriously works on relationships. I don't mean to fool around. I know my choices and some of them are hurtful mistakes, and I'm sorry that I've caused so much pain to the people I met along the way. I would understand if they'd go mad or unforgiving... I know that my actions do have consequences. If they say that karma will serve them justice, then let it be... I am responsible to the choices I've made. I just want to be with that person... whom I thought would make me feel like I don't need to be afraid, that I should trust, and love freely again. I lost that in me after that almost-five-year-relationship, which I thought would be my last. 

I feel different with this person. Even when we are miles apart... I feel like I don't have anything to fear, and that I am willing to wait for him. I feel happy despite that I get to be lonely and I get to miss him every day. A mix of everything... even when it's difficult to adjust at some part... I feel happy. I also do not doubt myself in this relationship. 

I'm telling this now because I think we deserve the truth. It may sound like I'm clearing my name, but my heart feels like it's about to burst. I just need to share this. I'm not asking for any understanding... but I'm sorry to have hurt those people who were so loving and nice to me. I just hope that there'd be room for forgiveness in your heart... and I just hope that the pain I've caused will now heal. 

*Image from random google search.
I just realized that there are just so many things that happened in my life this 2011, and I feel like most of it just happened yesterday. I wish I could just enumerate those things, but I'd rather keep it to myself. So even this kind of "emotion" should be left unspoken. It will pass by anyway. Or maybe, it can happen in another blog, which I'm not even sure if I could manage. As you can see, I am now having a hard time managing my blogs... and then I am now limiting what I want to share. Gah! So much for a "personal blog". 

What I can talk about now though is my "longingness" for a person to talk to (Is there even such a word? The auto correct function says it's wrong. My english is getting worse I think). 

Oh I just rarely get to talk to someone who's sensible enough... about anything that can be talked about. I think, so far, I have met only two persons who were sensible enough to me. And... they're both gone too. I just don't know why, but sensible people are hard to find, unavailable, inaccessible... Hehe. They also tend to leave "complications" in my life. And this is the reason why I'd rather not talk about things to just anyone. If I do talk it out, I rarely expect a good conversation or advice. Where are these people? Geez. Anyway, I just hope they're happy and in good shape.